Could someone please check my translation of these lyrics?

Question

Recently I've been studying Japanese and although I still have a lot to learn; I decided to try and translate some lyrics, to help myself improve and learn more than what's taught in books. If anyone could check my translation of the song, it'd be much appreciated!

Here are the lyrics:

どこか遠くへ行きたい 電波もないどこかへ
ごらん満天の夜光 僕が指差す場所
Going towards somewhere far away Somewhere where there aren’t even radio waves
Watching the who sky’s night lights, I point at the location

線香花火は時間{とき}の儚さ教えてくれる
揺れる夏草の合唱 とても心地いいな
The sparkler tells us the transience of time coming to an end
The swaying summer grass’ chorus feels very good

さぁ帰ろう君の待つ街まで
伝えたい事があるよ ほんの一言さ
Now, Returning to your street, I wait
Just a word of the things I want to tell you

Sha la la 蛍の光よ夜空に舞え
たとえ僅かな明かりでも君を照らし続けよう
Shalala The firefly’s light dances in the night sky
Even if there's only a slight illumination, your light continues

「永遠という一瞬」手のひらで転がせば
まるで宵の月みたく切なくて脆いな
“This moment of eternity” Your palm rolls into a circle
I want to see the moon as if the tender hearted is painful

Sha la la 蛍の光よ届けてくれ
遠く離れた場所だって君を想い続けよう
Shalala Please deliver the fireflies’ light to me
Because although we're separated, the thought of you continues even if you’re far away

ねぇ、過去は忘れてしまうものかな
愛された事さえも 愛した事でさえも
Hey, I wonder if the past is completely forgotten
Even the things I loved, even the things I love

Sha la la 蛍の光よ夜空に舞え
たとえ僅かな明かりでも君を照らし続けよう
Shalala The firefly’s light dances in the night sky
Even if there's only a slight illumination, your light continues

Sha la la 逢いたくても逢えぬ夏の恋
また巡り逢うその折はあの頃の気持ちのままで
Shalala, I can't meet you but I want to meet you even if it's a summer love
Even if we happen to meet by chance again, the feelings from those days remain.

季節と共に去りぬ
Gone with the season.

Please excuse any extreme mistakes I've made. As mentioned above, any help at all (even a little) is greatly appreciated!

Answer 1

As I'm neither an artist nor a native English speaker, please take them as purely grammatical advice rather than the recommended translation.

どこか遠くへ行きたい 電波もないどこかへ
I want to go towards somewhere far away Somewhere where even no radio waves reach

I wasn't sure "there aren’t even radio waves" has the same connotation, but 電波 in Japanese is often used for "signal" or "reception" of wireless communications.

ごらん満天の夜光 僕が指差す場所
See the whole sky’s night lights, (look at) the place I'm pointing at

ごらん is a soft word to say "behold" or "see", but you might only hear it in fictional works nowadays. dictionary form + noun makes a relative clause, though there are many translated lyrics on the internet that fail at this point.

さぁ帰ろう君の待つ街まで
Now, I'll return to the town where you wait

The sentence is inverted for a rhetorical reason. The ordinary word order is さぁ君の待つ街まで帰ろう. The kanji 街 is for "street", except when it's used on its own. In this case it reads まち and means "town" (I'd imagine a certain area in a large city). の in 君の待つ is equal to が, you can use them interchangeably in relative clauses.

Sha la la 蛍の光よ夜空に舞え
Shalala Dance, fireflies' lights, in the night sky

よ is the vocative particle, "O fireflies' lights". 舞え is the imperative (command form) of 舞う.

たとえ僅かな明かりでも君を照らし続けよう
Even if that's only a slight illumination, I'll keep on shining on you

君 is the object of verb 照らす. masu-form stem + 続ける means "continue to V". It's one of 複合動詞 (compound verbs).

「永遠という一瞬」手のひらで転がせば
“This moment of eternity” When I roll it on my palm

で is a particle for location: "at/on/in...". 転がせば is the hypothetical form (not subjunctive) "if one rolls" of 転がす ("roll (tr.)"). Meanwhile, the subject of the sentence is unknown, so here I used generic you. I'd like to assume the subject is I, because な at the end of the next line makes it interpretable as a direct experience.

まるで宵の月みたく切なくて脆いな
It feels as fragile and painful as the evening moon

I had no idea how your translation was going on at this part. みたく is a substandard equivalent for みたいに. 切ない is a sorrow-like emotion typically felt when you're missing or longing for something.

Sha la la 蛍の光よ届けてくれ
遠く離れた場所だって君を想い続けよう
Shalala Deliver it, fireflies’ lights
I'll continue to think about you even if you’re far away

Same as above.

ねぇ、過去は忘れてしまうものかな
Hey, I wonder if the past is something easy to forget (tends to be forgotten)

しまう emphasizes "unexpectedness" rather than "completeness".

愛された事さえも 愛した事でさえも
Even the fact that I was loved, even the fact that I loved (you)

Here is the tricky part of Japanese relative clause. Japanese allows appositive relation, where 事 actually refers to the very event of "愛された".

Sha la la 逢いたくても逢えぬ夏の恋
Shalala, a summer love: I can't meet you but I want to meet you

Another gapless relative clause.

また巡り逢うその折はあの頃の気持ちのままで
Were we to happen to meet by chance again, let us remain with the feelings from those days

いよう "let's be", "shall be" (< いる "(of animate thing) be") is omitted here.

(Of course, feel free to point out my English errors and incomprehensible parts in my answer...)

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Acknowledgements: Thanks to @choco for correction and advice!